It’s 8 A.M. on a Sunday morning, so you know where I am: I’ve just completed 400 laps in my Olympic-size pool, and now I’m on the way to shower. After that, Craig, my butler, will bring me my morning oxblood and oat milk smoothie, which I’ll drink on the veranda while reading the financial trades. Then it’s time for a little therapist-mandated “quality time” with my wife, Veronica, during which we sit on opposite sides of the parlor audibly clenching our teeth until Craig releases us by ringing the gong. Next I’m off to golf, then a few blessed hours of reading about cigars while smoking cigars, a nice dinner of serrated flange nuts and bugle head screws, and off early to my cryogenic chamber to prepare for another incredible week.
Without strict adherence to my little routines, I (Sofia) would never have become the silver-fox billionaire who stands before you now. This week, I thought I’d poll my contemporaries about how they relate to structure. Results varied! See below.
W. H. Auden once wrote “Routine, in an intelligent man, is a sign of ambition.” I am neither intelligent, nor --depending on who you ask-- a real man. But I do have ambition. For the longest time, I really did expect that I'd be able to do even one sit-up each morning after waking. But, alas, coffee, my dog, emails, election news and any number of other diabolical distractions get in the way of my wafer-thin willpower. Every routine I've tried to build has been sabotaged by life. So, I've decided to live a life completely devoid of routines. That's my ambition, anyway.
The best morning routine (or any routine for that matter) takes your soft round edges and turns it into a perfect right angle. Your imperfect, shameful, amorphous flesh should become cube. Your nipples, if your morning routine is perfect, should become two machine screws. Then and only then, once your morning routine has been flawlessly streamlined, and your nipples are cold and metallic, can you start your day.
I don’t like chores, but I love routines. I have my morning routine, my cartoon routine, my pasta routine - so many routines! They take my capricious decision-making and decision-changing out of the picture so I can get things done. For example, I know when I brainstorm ideas for my weekly New Yorker batch: Sunday morning. I know what my pasta ingredients are: mostly cheese. But routines are not easy to keep; life gets in the way. And when that happens, there are backup routines. Slept in Sunday morning? Brainstorm after work on Monday! Ran out of cheese? Cry! I’d love to give you the whole list of my routines, but typing all that out kinda sounds like a chore.
Some routines include painting. Some include kitty puzzles. Some include getting really sleepy after dinner and having to really, REALLY force yourself to do things like brush your teeth and brush your hair because you are so sleepy and just want to be in bed already and really, probably, your teeth and hair are fine unbrushed.
Sara Lautman
The wonderful thing about this art form is that you can redraw the same idea for years and still not hit the nail on the head. Anyway, this is Alice and the Cheshire Cat, years on, in the middle of a domestic routine.
I live to discover a new routine. It’s so exciting to get settled into habits like “drinking coffee by the window” and “writing at the shitty cafe.” Especially when you go on a little trip, and there’s a brand new shitty cafe to write at. What a completely new and different experience to have!!! However lately, my regular ol’ routine looks like me playing so many different games on my phone that dictate how I feel the rest of the day. Did I get the mini fast? Was I really pathetically slow today??? AM I A WORTHWHILE HUMAN BEING?
When you "call your reps," you're really calling a tiny little girl like me. And no matter what you say, I will always thank you for calling. Have a nice day.
But wait, there’s more!
Sofia’s teaching an in-person cartooning workshop THIS TUESDAY, 6/25, in Brooklyn! Nab your tickets here.
Amy Kurzweil’s graphic memoir, Artificial: A Love Story, was named a best book of 2023 by The New Yorker, NPR, and Kirkus!
Jason Chatfield has a new Substack about making art called Process Junkie! And Subscribe to Jason’s regular weekly Substack at NewYorkCartoons.com
Amy Kurzweil also teaches cartoon classes on Patreon! Sign up now to get the recording of every past class!
Read more of Ellis' comics on Junk Drawer!
This was a joy to read, thank you!
These are great! Didn't know there were so many cartoonists on Substack!