None Of Us Peaked in High School
Back to School Cartoons
It’s back to school season baby! Hilary here to tell you all about how much I hated high school. Because yes, it was terrible, but dear god do I love talking about how terrible it was. But honestly, if it wasn’t terrible, would I even be an interesting person today? Or would I just be one of those guys with a hat on that you meet at the bar that’s like, “Honestly it was a lot of fun.”
FUN???? OK, KYLE!
I’m from a small town where the most important that happened on Friday nights was a football game and the scariest thing you could think of was your boyfriend getting injured at said football game. If you didn’t fit into this mold of Americanism, god help you, you freak! I spent my teenage years desperately seeking approval from girls named Stephanie and Cambria, driving girls to parties that I wasn’t invited to until I said I would be the D.D., and obsessing over boys who referred to me as “the sad girl on track team.” My first boyfriend’s name was JAYCE. And I thought that was normal! (He plays minor-league baseball now!)
After surviving 9 years of Catholic School, I entered public high school, thinking this meant I’d finally broken free from uniform prison… Wrong! Instead of being locked inside Catholicism and plaid skirts, I was imprisoned by misogyny. A brand new, exciting way to suffer!
I’m always shocked when people didn’t have their lives ruined on a daily basis in high school. Movies like Mean Girls aren’t a farce to me. They are incredibly real. You name it, it happened to me. My first boyfriend cheated on me with one of my “best friends” because I wouldn’t sleep with him (Yay, Jayce!). The Vice Principal literally called me a “floozy” because I had a v-neck t-shirt on (beware, if you have larger breasts at 16, you’re automatically a whore!). Again, I was referred to as “the sad girl on track team.” NOT KIDDING, PEOPLE!
Thinking of those years always brings to mind the LCD Soundsystem banger “Sound of Silver;” The part where James Murphy is like “Makes you want to feel like a teenager / until you remember the feelings of / a real live emotional teenager / then you think again!” Because sure, it sounds cool to be young, but holy shit, was it easily the worst years of my life.
So as all the youth returns to school this Fall, I guess I just want them to know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry they have to go through this. It really sucks (if you’re an interesting person), but one day it’ll end and you’ll get to tell stories about how much it sucked!
Also I’m sorry I just turned Toonstack into a therapy session. Can you tell I haven’t been in to see Deborah in awhile?
This has been your morning announcement. Now, onto cartoons!
This cartoon has nothing to do with everything I just said, but like, can you imagine my mom having to deal with me through all of that? And I was her fourth child (third daughter at that)… someone send her flowers!!! And by flowers, I mean get her a nice hotel room and leave her alone.
I was never a very good student. I was so busy doodling in the margins that I missed most of what was being said. These days I sell those same doodles to magazines as my job, so I guess it worked out? I don’t know. My therapist has notes.
Listen, buddy, don’t talk to me about school. Mostly because I’m super annoying about it. If you talk to me about school I will go on and on about my radical ideas. Ideas like getting rid of tests, getting rid of grades, getting rid of social interaction, basically getting rid of everything I was bad at in school. Which was mostly everything. I think back on it and it’s truly wild that I had to take tests. Why would adults set me up for failure like that?
The thing is, I already judge myself enough, so I don't need a sheet of paper with a bunch of questions doing that to me as well. Who does that sheet of paper think it is???
This is truly advice I could have used - the 80s were a rough time to be a kid, period, and if you were a tubby, four-eyed, poorly socialized kid with an unfortunate last name, forget about it. But hey, at least I was also a terrible student!
Even though I was a teacher for 4 years (cue Stand and Deliver soundtrack), I only have one school related cartoon. Not surprisingly, it’s about young love. And dinosaurs. Although a more accurate cartoon would be about unrequited young love. And dinosaurs.
Unlike some of my friends above, I long for my school days. As an adult mired in the chaos of unmarked time, I miss the bells and reliable buses and scheduled snack breaks of childhood. I am also a person with highly developed classroom skills that don’t translate well to the real world: like reading and studying and writing in cursive. Have you ever encountered an adult situation where reading, studying, or writing in cursive actually got you anywhere? For example, I recently signed a lease. You might think my reading, studying, and cursive skills would help me in a situation like this. But a secret of adult life is that no one expects you to actually read the many contracts you receive. They just expect that you use skills other than reading and studying to have a high enough paying job to hire fancy enough lawyers who can argue your way out of any disputes you encounter in your contract-flailing life. At least my signature will look pretty on my arraignment papers.
ToonStack NewsStack
Hilary Campbell’s next comedy show is this Saturday in Williamsburg!!
Amy Kurzweil’s new book, Artificial: A Love Story, is available for preorder!
Navied Mahdavian’s graphic memoir, This Country: Searching for Home in (Very) Rural America comes out this week!
Ellis Rosen’s DINK! is a cartoon collection about Pickleball
Check out Jason Katzenstein’s Patreon!
Amy Kurzweil teaches cartoon classes on Patreon! Sign up now to get the recording of every past class!
Be sure to check out Shelby Lorman’s newsletter, Please Clap!
The same goes for Sofia Warren’s advice newsletter, You’re Doing Great!
See more cartoons from Ellis Rosen’s weekly Junk Drawer!
Also! Hilary started a film club here on Substack!
The New Yorker Festival lineup was announced, and a lot of Toonstackers are doing a show!
Wow even more comedy… if you’re in Pennsylvania, Emily Flake’s St. Nell’s is hosting it’s unagural comedy festival Nell’s Bells in October!