Get in Loser, We're Going Shopping
A Cartoon Shopping Spree!
READY! SET! SHOP!!!!
My name is Hilary and I’m a shopaholic. Or, I was. I think I’ve been better about it lately, as I rarely wear anything outside of spandex shorts and Garth Brooks t-shirts, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a little kid inside of me who would kill to be on SuperMarket Sweep. Growing up, I spent most Wednesdays and Fridays going to Marshall’s with my mother because she had a half day at work and always had something to “return.” It feels so dreamy now, to think about wandering the isles of the discount store, looking at the clothes like they represented my future as a “woman,” hearing my mom grumble about how the Marshall’s in Novato is so much better than the Petaluma one. It is true. Not all Marshall’s are created equal. It’s funny how aimless shopping feels more like a distant memory now. The pandemic has me yearning for the days of walking around a Target, touching every fabric that comes my way, simply because I could. Flipping through cheap DVDs at Best Buy, looking for anything remotely interesting under 3.99. Spending money, I never needed to spend, but felt that I simply… had to.
My nostalgia for capitalism has led me to bring to you, fellow ToonStackians, a week of cartoons about shopping sprees. Please, enjoy, and if you feel the urge, buy a print? Maybe your uncle needs one? Or your niece? Could be cute for their bathroom.
When I had my time shopping at the vending machine of life I purchased 3500 collectors items and three semesters of college. Over my allotted semesters I seduced the king nerd with my little collectibles, and followed him when he dropped out of school to execute his billion dollar idea. He's still waiting for it to take off, but has been set back by unreliable investors and allegations of fraud. Nevertheless, when we divorce at 58 I'll have enough for trillions of candles and more levels of health insurance than any one living person could need!!
I never read the Marie Kondo book, but I find myself at a point in my life where I want to get rid of all my stuff. Particularly books. I have so many books. Have I read them all? No, I haven't read them all. Do you feel good making me admit that? Don’t be such a jerk.
Slowly, I have been giving away or donating books. However, anytime I find myself in a bookstore, (Which is a lot, it’s an easy way to kill time with a two-year-old) I buy another book. I can't help it! There’s just so many of them, all organized and appealing. Last time I was in a bookstore, I bought a scientific book about dinosaurs. Am I going to read it? No, I’m not going to read it. Stop being a jerk.
So here I am, giving away books I’ve never read to make room on my bookshelf for new books I'll never read. I’m the most pointless middleman. The only way to solve this is to open my own bookstore. So come on down to Ellis’ Big Store of Books He Never Read for all your reading needs. Just don't ask me for any recommendations.
Things you can buy on Amazon (that may not may not currently be in my cart):
Idaho Potato with your Face
Baguette Slippers
Baguette Pillow
Instant Underwear (just add water!)
Chicken Harness (and leash)
Finger Covers for Cheesy Food
A Life-Size Celine Dion Cutout
Two Tubes of Live Red Ants
An Urn with a Guitar on It
Fundies: Underwear for Two (just add water!)
The last time I moved home I almost had a breakdown due to plant accumulation. The problem has worsened since and unfortunately I love it.
I don’t have a car, I don’t need a car, and I certainly don’t go car shopping. But I’ll be damned if I don’t enjoy watching local car dealership commercials. There’s something both awful and alluring watching a guy in a suit and poor lighting shout about the low low prices of his Hondas. Bad acting, unnecessary green screens, volume that’s three times louder than the previous commercial- I love it all. They should have a festival in Cannes dedicated solely to this wonderful genre of film.
Many people in New York City live with animals, and not all of them are pets. Some are roaches, mice and scariest of all, bed bugs. I have a few roaches in my apartment, a normal amount for a person living in New York City, so don’t judge. I feel like they love living with me, even though I’m always trying to kill them. Sometimes when I bring home a new piece of furniture I can almost hear them thanking me: “A wicker clothes hamper! So thoughtful! What a great place to raise my children!” A steady application of traps has greatly reduced their numbers, fortunately, but I can't help thinking of them when I see an item they would really appreciate, just like when I see a cute frog figurine and I think “My Aunt Doris would really love that.” I’ve personally never had bed bugs though, knock on wood (but steam clean it first!)
Continue shopping:
Pre-order Murder Book, Hilary Campbell’s upcoming graphic memoir out November 9th!
Pre-order Send Help! a desert island cartoon collection by Ellis Rosen and Jon Adams
Join Amy Kurzweil on Patreon!
Follow Kendra Allenby as she walks the Continental Divide Trail for 5 months!
Be sure to check out Shelby Lorman’s newsletter, Please Clap!
See more cartoons from Maddie Dai!
Order Ruby Eliot’s prints from her shop!
Join Karen Sneider on Patreon!
GUESS WHAT? YOU CAN. . .