And the winner is...
the guy who played the guy
It’s Oscar Sunday, people! Today is basically a holiday in my family. Growing up, my mother spoke about great actors like they walked on water, unless they didn’t walk on water and she added "he was horrible to his wife” at the end of the sentence, “but still a great actor!” And that’s what we love about actors, right? They ACT great, who cares what kind of human being they really are! Unless we’re talking about Meryl Streep in which case we all know she actually does walk on water. Anyway, back to today being a literal holiday. I used to take the Academy Awards so seriously that, on top of dressing up (obviously), I also took notes on the event. I had notebooks filled on who wore what, who won, how I felt about it, and what speeches were the most powerful. Then, I would wait for The San Francisco Chronicle to arrive the next day so I could steal the entertainment section and put that in my files. These documents were important, they needed to be put in a time capsule! They were the essence of what it meant to be alive in 2003. My mom saved all my files and recently sent them to me in a large overflowing manila envelope. I called her and said “This is proof that I have not and never will change.” I just love movies. I always have, always will. And listen, I know that there’s more important things in life. I know we should be celebrating the doctors, not the actors that play the doctors, but I have lived inside a movie since I saw Singing in the Rain for the first time and I just care sooooo much at the Oscars. It’s honestly embarrassing!!! So tonight, I hope you put on your fanciest outfit and then get pizza grease all over it as you cry at the “In Memory Of” video. That’s what I did in 7th grade!
Here’s three of my best works, basically ever…
—Hilary Campbell
I have some suggestions for new Oscar categories, based on my viewing as the parent of a toddler:
Best Picture that Can be Watched in 20 Minute Intervals
Best Children's Movie that Doesn't Make You Want to Slam your Head Against a Wall
Best Picture You Accidentally Left On In Front of the Toddler and Whoops There's a lot of Blood in This Scene
Best Picture to Immediately Fall Asleep To
Best Picture that Can be Watched in 10 Minute Intervals
Best Children's Movie that made you Cry
Best Children's Movie that made you Cry, but Not Because of the Movie, You're Just Crying For Seemingly No Reason
Any Movie That's Not a Children's Movie
There seems to be a modern obsession in Hollywood to take previously light and fun-filled shows and movies and turn them into gritty reboots, replete with seemingly monsoonal city showers and ominous, droning scores. Everything I grew up watching in the 90’s has ben rebooted from a bright and colourful comedy to a fark, gritty noir, and it now has vampires and/or abs. The Fresh Prince of Bel Air is now just Bel Air; a dark, brooding dramatic simulacrum of its former self. You can’t even call the movie the thing it is: Batman became The Dark Knight. Superman became Man of Steel… boy, I’m just realizing I think my problem is, I just hate all DC/Warner Bros films. I’ll let myself out.
As you may have guessed, I don’t know much about the Oscars or the movies or actors nominated for Oscars, but I did recently watch the 2021 Spielberg remake of West Side Story, which is nominated for several Oscars, and let me tell you: it was magical. (I’m not a musical junkie. I appreciate the talent and artistry but I’m always a little bit like… why are they singing?) West Side Story is different —you do not wonder why they’re singing, you wonder why you aren’t singing! Every song is like butter to the ears, and famous. And all the dancing!!! In WSS they don’t really dance, they ooze rhythmic movement, they sweat music notes, they breathe swagger. It’s like if dancing were an after dinner cordial, so sweet and thick and perfectly timed. Too much dancing, some say of the original movie?? As if there’s such a thing!! This reboot (sorry Jason) is better than the original, for many reasons, not least of which is that Rita Moreno is ninety (90!!) and still breathtaking. Go see it now. Don’t walk —Dance!
I mean, nothing I write will be as good as this. Alright, alright, alright.
Why can’t they all win???
Well well well. If it isn’t awards season. I don’t know much about the actual Oscars but as you may have heard I’m something of an awardsman myself. Here is one such award with a crucial edit, a very small “hundred” added to emphasize how much a theoretical viewer (me) would mention having read the book first—iconic, award-worthy behavior—whilst watching the movie adaptation.
BUT WAIT! THERE’S SOME EXTRA STUFF HERE!
Tonight you can join us as we live draw the Oscars! Just venmo me, Hilary, $5 to get the private zoom link (@Hilary-Campbell). Make sure to also send me your email address!
And as always…
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